Coping with a Violent Death
Thanks to beliefnet.com, dyingmatters.org, and victimsofcrime.org. ©WinterSpring 2014
Violent deaths, including murder, suicide, and accidents, are particularly difficult to grieve because of the complications involved with such a death. This experience is confusing, terrifying, and life-changing. You may feel powerless; your trust in the world and in other people may be shattered. You may face challenges with the judicial and medical systems, as well as the media, which further complicate the grieving process for a long time.
Common experiences:
- Overwhelming shock manifesting itself as numbness, anger, despair, disbelief, guilt, anxiety;
- Denial – this is not happening;
- Sometimes guilt for being alive (survivor’s guilt), or self-blame;
- Yearning to see the person or child again;
- Restlessness, loss of concentration, loss of confidence, loss of interest in life; lethargy;
- Hypersensitivity; hyper-vigilance (jumpiness);
- Inability to sleep or eat;
- Extended periods of crying and sobbing; overwhelming emotions;
- Reduced ability to express emotions;
- Irrational thoughts and actions;
- Social withdrawal;
- Terrified of being left alone;
- Fear and vulnerability;
- Anxiety and panic attacks, nightmares and exhaustion;
- Constant thoughts about the circumstances of the death;
- Depression, sometimes as a cover for anger;
- Questioning of faith.
How to cope:
- Get help—especially with this kind of loss, don’t try to cope alone;
- Talk with a trusted friend or others who’ve experienced a similar ordeal;
- Seek help with a therapist that specializes in violent death; EMDR is one treatment that may work well to ease the violent memory;
- Join a support group—sharing with others can help ease your pain;
- Let yourself experience all of the complicated emotions;
- Find a quiet, safe place to let the feelings come out;
- Use safe tools, such as a pillow to punch, or a swim noodle to hit against a table;
- Write your thoughts and feelings in a journal;
- Become comfortable with your lack of control—around the lack of safety in the world, no matter how careful we are, and around the unexpected nature of death;
- For some, meditation and/or prayer can help with this;
- Know that the depth of your pain is not forever. Know that it takes time. Your grief will never completely go away, but you will be able to get on with your life.
- Reach out to help others. Be an activist; helping others avoid a similar death can be therapeutic.
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Regional & National Links
Homicide Survivors, Inc.
Advocacy ~ Support ~ Assistance
A nonprofit victim assistance organization dedicated to meeting the crisis and long term needs of families of murder victims.
“Through support, advocacy and assistance we help survivors cope emotionally, stabilize economically and help survivors seek justice for their loved ones. Homicide Survivors is committed to ensuring that no one has to endure the murder of a loved one alone. ‘We can’t change the tragic loss, but together, we can ease the pain & prevent further victimization.’”
http://azhomicidesurvivors.org
1-520-740-5729
Survivors of Homicide
For people who suffered the murder of a relative or close friend.
A non-profit organization based in Connecticut but open to members from all over the U.S.
Toll Free: 1.888.833.4764; Email: survivors@snet.net
Web site: http://www.survivorsofhomicide.com
From their website: “Survivors of Homicide, Inc. was founded in 1983 by a group of families who were trying to cope with the murder of a family member or someone else close to them. They met to support each other, and to share information about the criminal justice system. As time went on, membership grew and the mission expanded. We have become outspoken advocates for all victims of violent crime, for fair compensation to victims, and for public policy and understanding that reduces the senseless violence sweeping our communities.”
National Association of Parents of Murdered Children, Inc.
For the Families and Friends of Those Who Have Died by Violence
From their website: “POMC makes the difference through on-going emotional support, education, prevention, advocacy, and awareness … To provide support and assistance to all survivors of homicide victims while working to create a world free of murder.”
www.pomc.com/
Wendt Center for Loss and Healing
“With nationally recognized expertise in grief, trauma and mental health, the Wendt Center for Loss and Healing helps adults and children in the Greater Washington D.C. region rebuild a sense of safety and hope after experiencing a loss, life-threatening illness, violence or other trauma.”
https://www.wendtcenter.org/our-services/hopes-crime-victim-services/
