Tag Archives: grief

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hellogrief photoThanks Alisha Krukowski for sharing this wonderful article about letting go into grief.

“When we try to “keep it together” for other people, or for ourselves, when all we really need to do is let go, and feel, and hurt, and crumble. We live in a strange society that honors the “strength” of grieving people who don’t cry, who are “brave,” who “move on.”  I’ve always felt in my heart of hearts that all of that was so wrong. So why did I fall for it myself when Mom died?” …more

(Photo courtesy of Hello Grief.)

How to cope with grief — KOBI 5 news story

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Five things to help with the grief many are feeling in the aftermath of the shootings:  Turn off the media if it’s too much; do nice things for other people; take inventory of the good things in life; take care of yourself — exercise and good diet; pay attention to the kids in your life and listen when they want to talk — help them process the grief they might feel.

Take care of yourself in the aftermath of school shooting

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This photo and these tips come from a blogpost on  Hello Grief on how to move through this recent tragedy.  It’s important to take care of ourselves so the grief doesn’t get too big for us.  Here’s what Alisha Krukowski recommends:

  • Put yourself on an immediate “news diet.” Make a conscious and implementable plan about your news intake. That may mean allowing yourself to check in briefly with the news once every two hours. Or perhaps you’ll decide that giving yourself one solid hour, and then no other news for the day is a better fit. Regardless of your specific decision, make a plan and commit to sticking to it. Let friends and family know, so they are able to respect and support your choice.  Take note of how you feel after checking in with the news. If you find you feel worse than before you checked in, more reason to limit your news intake. Tragedy is not, and should not be a spectator sport.
  • Do something kind. It doesn’t matter what you do, but make a point to do something good or kind today, and each day as the crisis continues to unfold. Let someone ahead of you in traffic, leave a few extra dollars for your waitress, take your dog (and yourself) on an extra long walk.  I’m betting you’ll feel better after doing something kind for someone else. There’s something inherently therapeutic about acts of kindness, which can help you to balance out the negative emotions you may find yourself inundated with in times of publicized sorrow.
  • Refrain from posting “news” of the events on facebook, twitter, etc. If you feel inclined to post about your feelings of sadness, your wishes for impacted families, or your thoughts on tragedy in general, that may be something to consider. But posting updates about the tragedy itself will likely not help you or others. The specifics are often irrelevant, since the facts remain the same: Something terrible happened. Innocent individuals were injured or killed. There will never, ever be any bit of information or any new development that will make any of this make sense.
  • Reach out to those you love, and tell them you love them. It sounds a little clichéd, I know, but have you ever felt anything other than good after sharing your feelings of love or friendship with people in your life? It’s an easy way to both offer support, and feel support yourself.
  • Ask for help if you need help. If the news of tragedy has left you feeling overwhelmed with grief, sadness, fear, or any other emotion, please seek immediate support. If you need a shoulder to cry on, call a friend or family member. If you feel that you are in crisis, call 1-800-273-8255 or go immediately to your local emergency room.
  • If you have children in your life, be mindful of what they may be seeing and hearing. Again, I am not a therapist, but it is always a good idea to ask your children what they are feeling, and how you can help them to process those feelings. They may have created some “truths” in their minds that are not accurate or helpful for them to be holding. Ask them what they have learned. If you have any concerns about how to support your child through tragic events, you should reach out to school or grief counselors, therapists, or other local support services.
  • Physically do something to help. This doesn’t mean you have to fly to the impacted areas. This means choosing to devote time, energy, or money to a cause that is close to your heart. You can volunteer at a homeless shelter, send money (even a few dollars) to an organization that speaks to you, or help to clean up litter at an underfunded playground or park. When you immerse yourself in something that is helping those in need, you may feel a sense of connection to people everywhere who are helping where help is needed. It’s a good feeling, and again, that can help to balance out some of the negative feelings.

The puzzle pieces of our new life

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I heard my daughter tell a friend, “Puzzles are the only holiday tradition we have.”

Wow, I suppose that’s true in a way.  After her dad died in 2004, I have tried to make the holidays special each year, but haven’t found anything the sticks year after year except our ritual of buying new jigsaw puzzles, bringing out the card table, and setting up for evenings of puzzling.   As we sat down the other night, I wondered about this tradition since our loss – the satisfaction of seeing the beautiful images unfold before our eyes as we fit the pieces together, a symbolic road map through grief.  Michael’s death brought a sense of chaos and uncertainty to our lives — the pieces didn’t fit in the way they had.  Not much about the holidays made sense to me, either.  What got us through year after year was the patient step by step, trying and failing, trying again and succeeding, bringing a chaotic mess of little pieces into something organized.  And now, I’d say that life does make sense.  This year we picked easier puzzles and we’ve already completed two.  I suppose the easy puzzles reflect that life is easier this holiday season.  We are blessed to have each other and a tradition that has helped us through this difficult time of year.

So you’ve just become a single parent…what now?

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This past week, I participated on a panel at the local high school’s Parent Academy – the topic was single parenting. Many parents unexpectedly find themselves alone, either through divorce or death of the other parent. It’s a shock, really. It was for me. When my former husband passed away unexpectedly leaving me to raise our daughter by myself, I felt closed in and afraid. It felt too big, more responsibility than I ever wanted. Her grief, my own, our changed lives…how would we get through it?

We did get through it, day at a time…which brings me back to what I learned at the Parent Academy. Here’s some things I gleaned from the panel and audience participants:

Common challenges for single parents:
• Lack of Sleep
• Loneliness
• Grief
• Emotional stress
• Time management
• A lack of sanity
• Challenges with kids’ attitudes and accountability

Ways to take care of yourself:
• Exercise – one woman started running every day and lost 40 pounds
• Drinking water—keeping yourself hydrated helps to fend off depression feelings
• Find friends you can talk to about your challenges with kids and getting time for yourself
• Take time for yourself in nature—one woman walks under the moon and stars at night
• Dance to wild music when the kids aren’t around
• Start a gratitude journal for yourself…or share it with your kids so that you all practice gratitude

Ways to connect better with your kids:
• Set aside special time for your kids—they want time with you, even if they are teens
• Appreciate them for the things they do well
• Set reachable goals—make a chart with tasks that you expect and make a reward for getting a certain number done
• Work with your child on the things you expect and let them come up with some ideas
• Find grief support groups for them in your local community
• Realize that underneath bad behaviors is deep loss—help your kids learn to grieve in healthy ways

If you are a single parent, please share what works for you!

What do kids in grief really feel?

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New York LifNyl_con_griefjourneye is doing great work for understanding kids in grief.  They say in their recent study: Kids value communication about loss, but feel it’s lacking: Many say “most people don’t know how to talk to you after a loved one dies.”   The study also says that schools score poorly in helping these kids cope. That’s why programs like WinterSpring’s Teen Grief Groups are so important.  As school budgets get cut, kids get less and less support from staff and thus the nonprofits like us who go into the schools become even more important to the health of children, teens and their families.

http://newyorklife.com/childhood_loss_nationwide_poll

And see this short video on how children feel:  

http://www.newyorklife.com/nyl/v/index.jsp?contentId=150745&vgnextoid=8a38df24af116310VgnVCM100000ac841cacRCRD

A beautiful story of living after deep loss

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Love_letters
(Photo taken by cattycamehome)

I opened up Sunday’s local newspaper to this story of a mother who lost her husband to cancer. She and her young daughter will be taking a journey this summer in honor of her husband, in honor of his request that they “live huge” after he died.  Ginny is a courageous woman who is a role model for all of us when we lose someone so dear to us.

http://www.mailtribune.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20120603/NEWS/206030322/-1/NEWSLETTER100

Children need special care when suffering from a loss

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Grieving-girl_from_recover-from-grief

(Photo from recover-from-grief.com)

I love this article, which talks about some specific ways to help children with grief.  The author discourages the “let’s just move on” tactic and encourages that children create a “new” relationship with the deceased loved one by doing things such as creating a memory box.  Adults can benefit from this too.  Click here to access this article.

 

Grief brings chaos, healing brings balance

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This post comes from WinterSpring Board Member, Jim Titus:

As I look at Denise Kester’s monotype print “Out of chaos comes the dance of balance,” I find my head and heart align.  Grief is indeed one place where I have found chaos and confusion.  But it has also become my surest path to personal growth and enlightenment.

Something that most of us seem to discover, sooner or later in life, is that we are not invincible, not really “in control” as we might like to be, but that we can, and usually do, find a way through the whirlpool of life.  We are children of many losses; but we are also survivors.  Sometimes we need a little help from others to  find our way – sometimes a lot of help.  It is a major step to discover that we are not alone; there are plenty of others who have traveled similar roads and who are willing to share their stories. 

The best discovery of all is that of our own inner spaces where our worst fears lurk, but where strength, renewal and life reside as well.  Loss will take us to both, if we are open – and will help heal us and make us whole, or “balanced,” to use Kester’s term.

Writing about the death of her daughter, Isabel Allende says:

“My life is one of contrasts; I have learned to see both sides of the coin.  At moments of greatest success, I do not lose sight of the pain awaiting me down the road, and when I am sunk in despair, I wait for the sun I know will rise farther along.”  (Paula, p. 313)   

“I am a raft without a rudder, adrift on a sea of pain.  During these long months I have been peeling away like an onion, layer after layer, changing; I am not the same woman, my daughter has given me the opportunity to look inside myself and discover interior spaces – empty, dark, strangely peaceful – I had never explored before.  These are holy places, and to reach them I must travel a narrow road blocked with many obstacles, vanquish the beasts of imagination that jump out in my path.  When terror paralyzes me, I close my eyes and give myself to it with the sensation of sinking into storm-tossed waters.  For a few instants that are true eternity, I think I am dying, but little by little I comprehend that, despite everything, I am still alive because in the ferocious whirlpool there is a merciful shaft through which I can breathe.  Unresisting, I let myself be dragged down, and gradually the fear recedes.”  (Paula, p. 272)